24 Nov 2010 2 Comments
It's been a while.
Life has been rough.
I'm now living in my own apartment about 2 miles from my old house where my son and ex-wife live. It's not home, but what is home?
Home is where your rump rests..or its it no where at all?
Hakuna Matata, and all that.
I'm grasping. HARD.
I've started smoking again. I quit for five years and now I'm back at it with a fervor.
I've bought stuff. I hate stuff and some of it I needed, but I bought it and kind of enjoyed that.
I've been to Dharma punks but I haven't sat other than those brief periods and I haven't done Dokusan or attended the Zen sangha, at all.
So why is this a Manifesto?
I'm about to make a vow.
I vow to undertake the training to stop grasping at the people in my life.
The people in my life deserve to be what and who they are without trying to make me happy.
Only I can save myself. There is no outside agent that is going to support me.
I must trust in my intuition. This one is hard because some of the things it tells me to do are painful and require me to stop grasping (see the circle of pain here?).
What training do I need to undertake?
I need to go to Dokusan and talk to my teacher about my practice and my very limited understanding.
I need to sit, or walk, or something to allow my mind to calm and reflect without constantly bombarding it with thoughts and grasping at itself.
And I need to stop hiding.
If you are my friend and you live nearby you are invited to see me. You can come over to my crappy apartment or I will come to you. I don't need time alone to "figure this out." I need others to hang out with and not talk about this or sometimes to talk about it.
I've achieved all the intellectual understanding I can or will.
So there it is.
It will be what it will be.