The calling

There is something weird I’ve always carried with me. I’ve had it as
long as I can remember. I’ve hated it, poured derision on it and tried
to suppress it.

When I was a teen our minister told me on multiple occasions that he
thought I should become a minister. I considered it. I really did.
However, my faith has never been strong. I didn’t believe in the
tenants of Christianity and how those tenants have been twisted to
meet the agendas of various men throughout history from Popes to Kings
to the charismatic neo-clerics of the 21st century mega churches.

I’m fairly certain my conception of God never included God the Father
and my belief in Christ the son, was not strong. There were too many
inconsistencies and not enough written records or proof. I’ve always
felt the need for that, proof. I see now that proof doesn’t always
come from Science and truth shouldn’t necessarily be something you can
wrap your mind around. That’s not to say that I believe in some Father
in Heaven and the pearly gates and all that anthropomorphic
categorization and mythologized version of the ineffable.

Regardless, I’ve long felt as if something was tugging at me.
Something unnamable and unknowable seems to be pushing me towards
something. I’ve not been receptive, as I said above. As my practice
deepens, I’ve noticed it’s getting stronger. As my intellectual
comfort level has risen, so too has my absolute trust and faith in the
Path. It’s ineffable. It’s not ego.

I certainly don’t WANT to commit to teaching the Dharma. It’s just not
that fun. “My life” will never be my own, although, if I accept the
truth of nonduality, it never was.

So my wife and I took refuge and received the precepts in the Chinese
Mahayana tradition.

The nudging grew more insistent. My response was to ignore it and try
to not practice. Yeah…I was inevitable drawn back to the Path, as I
knew it was right.

Went to Houston Zen Center Saturday and saw the sign-up sheet for the
Jukai (formal reception of the Bodhisatva Precepts) and I had signed
up before I ever made a conscious decision to do so.

I’m not sure what drives the calling. It’s there and I hear it and I
can’t ignore it. Call it God, Buddha Nature, the Unborn or the
Universe, but it seems to need for me to become ever more committed to
the Practice of the Buddhadharma.

I’m not going to resist any more, but neither will I seek out what
lies ahead. It will be what it will be.

In Gassho.

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