23 Sep 2010 Leave a comment
Ok, I loathe myself.
This might be clear from some of my earlier posts. I've dealt with it in various ways throughout my life. The main one is food. Luckily, I've never been much of a drinker. I dabbled in other things when I was young. I smoked cigarettes for the better part of a decade.
My main method of dealing with my own extreme self-loathing has been escapism. I read fantasy and sci-fi voraciously. I played LARP and table-top RPG games. I played on-line MMORPG's. You named I wasted time on it. Life sucked so instead of improving what I had I just spent my time in fantasy worlds.
Now I want to confront and face my self. The self which does and does not exist. I once had confidence in some things but I've lost whatever I had. All I have left is knowledge, which I cling to.
You would think this is good having very little sense of self. However, facing one's self in Zazen requires bravery. You might not think so, but it does. When I'm sitting all my thoughts of self-loathing rise to the top like smelly, fetid cream. I try to let them pass by and sometimes I do but they still leave me feeling agitated, so maybe I'm not as successful as I would hope.
Zazen is scary.
Mara is me.
How do I feel compassionate towards myself? How can I love myself as I love my wife as I love my son as I Iove, respect, and feel compassion for pretty much everyone, but not me.
I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity. I'm just trying to figure this out.