WTF is wrong with me?!

I have a serious mindfulness problem. It’s so weird that I spend so much time talking about and writing about it.

Yet I spend so little time practicing it. I’m aware of my lack of mindfulness. I always tell myself: next time I’ll be more mindful.

What makes me lose my cool? Let’s see: My son, my wife, my mother-in-law customers, co-workers, donuts, other drivers, my body… This list could really go on to include everything in my life.

At some point nearly everything makes me lose it. 

What is it? Not sure, but I never have it, it seems. 

And then, I react: Usually, I’m sad. I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything, really. I like everyone and everything and I never want to be the cause of strife or anyone’s suffering.

What can I do at this point? 

Lots of teachers have written that being aware of my issue is mindful. It doesn’t feel mindful. I feel like a great big jerk.

This where faith comes in, I suppose. Well faith and the visible results of faith. I see people like Gaylyn Godwin Sensei or Maezen Miller Sensei and I know they project calm and collected demeanors, but I also know they are people just like me and they have to deal with the same crap.

Maezen, in particular, is really good about letting us know she’s human in her books and her blog she calls herself out for being herself and yet accepts herself at the same time.

I want to realize that there is nothing to attain. 

I want to believe that all five aggregates are empty. 

I want to not want.



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